Tantric Sloppy Joe’s

Filet mignons’ days are over. Comfort food is the new black.  Even lobster corn-dogs have lost their shine.  Back to basics.

My most recent craving was for America’s war-time comfort favorite….Sloppy Joe’s.  Not the canned, tinny tasting Sloppy Joe’s.  Sloppy Joe’s… tantric stlye.  The way I’m willing to do it.  Hot, sloppy, wet…ready to leave tell-tale stains on your clothing.  Mouth watering…lips moist, involuntary loin thrusting culinary naughtiness.  Seven full hours to make them.  Seven hours for a f*&^ing Sloppy Joe!  Sloppy Nirvana.

How hard could it be?  Would it be worth it?  How would I feel the next morning?  I looked at a Sloppy Joe label and found my pantry woefully understocked to duplicate the canned variety.

Sloppy Joe Ingredients!! Yummy!!!

Sloppy Joe Ingredients!! Yummy!!!

I don’t have high fructose corn syrup, dehydrated onions, dehydrated red and green peppers, no guar gum, xanthan gum or carbo bean gum.  I don’t know what the hell my wife is doing at the grocery store lately.  We don’t even have tomato sauce.

But here’s what I do have.  I’ve got about 10 vine-ripe tomatos, some onion, green and red pepper–not dehydrated, and enough fresh spices to make this thing rock.

I started with a tomato sauce by reducing the 10 tomatoes, onion, red wine and some spices to a nice home-made sauce to use as my base for the Sloppy Joe’s.  It takes about 6 hours to make this, but well worth it.

Homemade tomato sauce

Homemade tomato sauce

Nice.  No self-respecting Sloppy Joe would serve up its’ goodies on anything less than a world class bun–the culinary equivalent of 800 count Egyptian cotton sheets.

Not really world class

Not really world class

I look at the label.

Oh my God.  I've actually been eating this?

Oh my God. I've actually been eating this shit?

Screw it.  I’m making my own hamburger buns from scratch.


That's better

That's better

Q:  What’s pink on the outside and brown on the inside.  (Get your mind out of the gutter!)

A:  Ground meat purchased from a big box grocer.

I have a pound of ground sirloin that I purchased from my local butcher wrapped discretely in white paper.  Pink outside…pink inside.  The way it’s supposed to be.  I make the Sloppy Joe mixture.  All fresh, local ingredients.

Future stain on my shirt

Future stain on my shirt

Then I assemble the pieces….slowly.  I remind myself to take my time.

Insanely sloppy and good

Insanely sloppy and good!

Ready to stain your shirt.

Stupidly delicious

Stupidly delicious

Seven hours from start to finish.  You can do this in 20 minutes if you use canned tomato sauce (acceptable) and store bought buns (acceptable if you get them from the bakery).  I’ll post the recipe if anyone asks.

I enjoyed the hell out of this with a nice beer.  A Smuttynose IPA to be exact.  It was so good, I’d have had a cigarette afterwards if I still smoked.  Maybe I’ll start again.

Imagine the fun with the leftovers.  “What’d you have for lunch today?”  she asked.

“Sloppy seconds!”

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