God–An Interview

I met God last night at DBA Barbecue. I mean it.  God.  THE MAN.  No kidding.  I was sitting at the bar having a beer and a brisket sandwich when HE sat down next to me at the bar.  Here’s how it went.

God. Hi Jim.  I’ve noticed that you’ve been calling on me a lot lately, so I thought it’d be nice to meet face to face and see what’s on your mind.

Jim. Holy shit!  Whoops.  I mean, damn.  It’s really you.

God. Yes, it’s me.  I don’t want to be rude, but there are 7 billion of you on this earth and I don’t have a lot of time.  Let’s do this.  Why don’t you ask me 3 questions.  I’ll answer them for you, and be on my way.  How’s that sound?

Jim. Jesus!  Whoops.  Did it again.  Sorry.

God. Forgiven.  (laughs.)

Jim. Okay, okay.  Umm.  Three questions, huh?  Not three wishes like a genie, but three questions.  Okay.  God.  Right next to me.  God.  Here to talk to me.  Okay.  How’s it going God?

God. Fine. Two left.

Jim. Shit.  Fucked that up didn’t I?

God. Yes.  One to go.  Maybe you should think a little before you speak.

Jim. Damn.  Did it again!  Son of a Bitch.  I’m totally blowing my one chance to actually talk with you aren’t I?

God. Yes.  We’re through, and you might think about cleaning up your language a little in front of me.

Jim. Dammit.  I didn’t get anything out of this.

God. Just fuckin’ with you Jim.  Start over and think it through this time.

Jim. Wow.  Thanks God.  Okay, here’s my first one.  Is everything gonna be okay?  I mean, the world seems like it’s on the brink of disaster, and I know more people are hurting right now than I can ever remember.  Good people losing their jobs, losing their houses…just caught up in a shit-stream mess that they can’t seem to crawl out of.  Seems like we used to be able to bounce back a lot easier.  Nowadays, everything seems fucked up.  Are we gonna make it out of this?

God. Everything will be okay.  Things have a way of working themselves out.  This will pass, but people will change as a result.  I’m forcing people to look at themselves  harder than they ever have before.  I’m seeing a vast renewal in faith.  Man drifted.  Got greedy.  Civilization needs a correction and it’s going to hurt a little, but it’ll all work out.  It’s just going to be different than it was over the past few years.  Simpler.  More honest.  Man won’t take so much for granted.

Jim. That’s a relief.  Okay, here’s my next one.  I look at my life and I know I’ve made some mistakes, and I’ve broken way more than one commandment.

God. That’s an understatement.

Jim. Yes, I know, but I have asked for forgiveness and I’m not the Hellion that I used to be.

God. Like I said before.  Forgiven.  (doesn’t laugh this time.)

Jim. Thanks.  I guess my point is that I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished what I was supposed to.  I’ve retired more than one dream that I really thought would come true, and frankly, retiring my dreams makes my life seem like there’s no purpose other than to scratch out a living.    I kind of want to dust them off and renew them.  These are dreams about my career, my family…things I want to accomplish, but I just can’t seem to get any traction.

God. What’s your question?

Jim. Is it too late?  I’m not twenty anymore.

God. Of course not, but you have to put some effort into it.  I hear your prayers, and I show you the path you want to be on, but frankly Jim, sometimes you just don’t pay attention.  You get distracted and caught up in the things that get in the way of your dreams.  Quit looking to the sides of your path.  Look straight ahead.

Jim. What’s the most annoying prayer, or question that you get asked?

God. The lottery.

Jim. That was three wasn’t it?

God. That makes four.  Let me ask you a question.

Jim. Shoot.

God. Do you feel better now that we’ve talked?

Jim. Hell yes.  Can I buy you a beer?

God. Just one.

Jim. What’ll you have?

God. Make mine a Lagunitas IPA.

Jim. Cheers!

We had a beer together and shot the shit about the whole Heaven and Hell thing, good vs. evil and Satan.  He did some amazing card tricks.  I felt a whole lot better after our talk.

He asked me what dream was unrealized that I wanted most.  I told him I always wanted to be a writer for a living.  After all, I’ve written two screenplays, a novel, a children’s book and countless songs.  Nothing to show for it.  He told me a writer writes.  So I am.

Here’s my parting thought for you… it’s a toughie.

If you met God, and he said you could ask him just one question, what would that question be?



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