Genesis: God Made a Mess of the Beginning–Noah Gets Hammered

God’s intentions were good in the beginning–he just underestimated man’s lust for all things forbidden by him.  That’s sort of God’s fault for making all the things he forbid so much fun.  The book of Genesis is rife with drunkenness,  rape, incest, murder, gambling, prostitution…the list goes on.

In the very beginning, Eve gets us off to a rocky start by doing her best Dr. Doolittle with a snake and doing precisely the one and only thing God forbade.  “Dammit Eve!  What were you thinking?”  Things quickly went from bad to worse.    God realized one of his first mistakes was letting man live an average life-span of upwards of 800 years!  He put the quick fix on that and shortened that average life-span to a scant 120 years.

God didn’t like what he created, and mankind turned out to be a total disappointment.  God was pissed, and he has a hair-trigger temper!  Mankind was consistently evil, slovenly, lustful and just generally no damn good.   God decided to clean the slate.  I’m talking total reset.  Start over.  Yep.  Everybody dies!

Enter Noah–the bible’s first drunk.

No wonder Noah got drunk.  God wiped the slate clean by deliberately drowning every living creature on the planet–including mankind– that wasn’t chosen to be on the ark.  Noah was witness.  Imagine what horror Noah must have seen.  Rains coming down, animals large and small flailing about in deep waters trying to survive–gasping for air, taking their last breath and sinking into the water.  Cries from people swimming towards the ark begging for mercy, only to drown right before Noah’s eyes.  Imagine what this must have sounded like.  Tough business.  This is far from the cartoon image of a smiling, bearded Noah, holding his staff, happily slapping animals on the ass as they enter the Ark two by two.  Not at all.  There was nothing happy about the flood.   Imagine the carnage.

Yep.  Noah was a prime candidate for prolonged therapy.

Eventually, the waters receded, and Noah and the gang got off the ark and started over.  Noah had three sons and they made quick business of repopulating the earth.  We’re all related to them.  All of us.

Noah planted a vineyard and did his best to forget the horrors he witnessed.  He spent his time farming and drinking. One night he got blazing drunk and passed out buck naked in his tent.  His son Ham found him and told his brothers “Dad’s good and drunk, and Dad’s good and naked too!”  The sons were ashamed of  Noah.   They covered their butt-naked Dad with a robe.  The next day, Noah realized that Ham found him drunk and told his brothers.  Noah got pissed at Ham for ratting him out, so he laid a curse on Ham.

Noah lived a ridiculously long life–950 years!

So, that’s the story of Noah the drunk.

I’m going to continue to post the stories the preacher left out, and for the record, there’s a lot of them.  Next up is:  Lott pimps his daughters!


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