Granted, Lot and his daughters had a really rough go of it since God sent two Angels to destroy their most recent hometown–Sodom.  It didn’t make matters any better that Lot’s wife died a horrible death and was turned into a pillar of salt as they fled the hell-fire unleashed on Sodom.  I’m sure the despair was devastating.  

Anyway, Lot and his daughters ended up in Zoar–a nearby town that was spared destruction by the Angels for the express purpose of being the sanctuary for Lot and his daughters.  Lot actually negotiated with the Angels to spare Zoar.  The Angels gave in and Lot had a safe place to flee to.  Lot didn’t get along with the people of Zoar, in fact, he feared them–so he and his two virgin daughters fled to the hills.  Caves to be precise.  Questionable choice if you ask me.

Here’s where things take a very uncomfortable turn.  The daughters–after living in the caves for a while with their Dad, Lot–come to the conclusion that they’re never going to be around other people again.  That means they’ll never marry and the family name has come to a dead end.  Put aside the fact that they fled from a town that wasn’t destroyed.  There were people there!  Men.  Men with sperm!

Enter incest.

The oldest daughter has this crazy proposition for the younger daughter.  “Let’s have sex with Dad!”  (Genesis 19:32)  “Better yet, let’s get him drunk first, then have sex with him!  Then we can have sons and carry on the family name!” 

“You first,” replied the youngest daughter. 

No problem.  The oldest daughter got her Dad so loaded on wine that he passed out.  She had sex with him and he never knew it.  She told her little sister what she had done.  “I had sex with Dad last night.  You’re up next tonight.” 

The youngest daughter complied.  She too, got Lot so blasted that he passed out again from the wine.  She, like her older sister, climbs on top of her Dad, has sex with him and goes back to her sister.  Lot, again, doesn’t realize he’s had sex with another virgin daughter.

Both the daughters become pregnant and bear sons.  One was named “Moab” which loosely translated means “from my father.  The second son was “Ben-amimi” which is “son of my relative.  Lot spoke the language.  He knew what the names meant.  Wow.

There are several points that are disturbing here, not the least of which is the incest.  First of all, it’s been my experience that if I were so drunk I was passed out–no boner is coming along anytime soon.  So, the obvious question is “was Lot really unaware that he was having sex with his daughters?” 

Second, both daughters were virgins.  We know that because he offered his “two virgin daughters” to a rape-hungry rabble in Sodom the night before the Angels obliterated it,  and everyone that stayed behind.  On another note, sex with a virgin takes some effort.  How’d he get this done passed out drunk?  Hmmmm? 

Third, there’s no mention of Lot ever questioning how his new sons/grandsons came to be.  I don’t know about you, but I’d be pretty curious about how my daughters got knocked up in the middle of nowhere, with no one else in sight.  And what about the names?  “C’mon Lot, you had to know something was up with a name like Moab, right?”

There’s apparently no repercussion for this act, as Lot and his daughters appear to live happily ever after.

Justifiable incest?  I’d love to know your thoughts!

Cheers!

Sodom was the biblical equivalent of Vegas without the neon.  Lot’s of drinking, gambling, stealing,  prostitution and buggering.  Yes, I said and meant buggering.  Apparently it was a right of passage for newcomers to Sodom. 

Sounds like the set for Hangover, right?

Lot, prolific-breeder-Abraham’s grandson, used to stalk out the entrance of the city of Sodom waiting for Angels to appear.  I suppose this was akin to playing the biblical lottery with about the same odds of success.  But, lo and behold, one day two Angels, disguised as men, did in fact meet Lot at the entrance of  Sodom.  (Miracles happen all the time in the Old Testament.)  The Angels were sent by the big man HIMself to destroy the city and everyone in it for being such a lecherous and wicked bunch.  Lot was thrilled to meet them.

He invited them back to his house to wash their feet and dine with his wife and two virgin daughters.  The Angels reluctantly agreed, and they walked through the city past gamblers, prostitutes, drunks, probably a few lawyers, and thugs on their way to Lots house.  Their presence didn’t go un-noticed.

All of the men from Sodom surrounded Lot’s house.  All of them.  Big crowd.  They demanded that Lot turn over the Angels to them so that they could bugger them.  Yes, I said bugger again, and it’s in the bible.  “Bring them out here so that we can have sex with them!”  the crowd demanded.  (Genesis 19:5)  Lot couldn’t bring himself to turn the Angels out to the rowdy, horny crowd….so he offered up the next best thing.  His two virgin daughters!  Yeah, that’s the ticket!

Lot went outside and addressed the rabble.  “Listen guys.  What you’re wanting to do with these two men is downright wicked, and I can’t let you do that to them, but I do have two virgin daughters!  You can have them!  No kidding.  I’ll go inside and bring them out to you guys.  You can do whatever you want to them.  How’s that sound?  But please leave the men alone.  They’re my house guests and I’m bound to protect them.”

I don’t know about your house, but I wouldn’t have survived that odd little exchange.  It’d be a close bet to see who would shoot me in the chest first, my wife or my daughter.  I’d be like, “Ok guys.  Sorry for the mix-up.  Take these strangers but please leave my daughter alone!”  Then I’d toss the Angels out the door (my wife and daughter would already be shoving them in that direction) knowing that if they were really Angels that nothing bad would happen to them, but that’s just me.

Even the Angels thought this was crazy talk, so they pulled Lot back inside.  Then the Angels blinded all of the men so that they couldn’t find the house.  (Personally, I would find the blinding thing a little distracting and I seriously doubt I’d care about finding the house and buggering strange men anymore.)  The rabble eventually left Lot’s house and they wandered about in the streets.

The following day, (you probably remember this part) Lot and his family fled Sodom as the Angels destroyed the city and everyone in it with a storm of fire and brimstone.  Lot’s wife  didnt’ listen to the warning that the Angels gave her, (shades of Eve?) so she looked back once the destruction began and was turned into a pillar of salt. 

Everybody died except Lot and his two daughters.

You won’t believe what happens next.  Stay tuned.

Cheers!

In the very beginning, Eve gets us off to a rocky start by doing her best Dr. Doolittle with a snake and doing precisely the one and only thing God forbade.  “Dammit Eve!  What were you thinking?”  Things quickly went from bad to worse.    God realized one of his first mistakes was letting man live an average life-span of upwards of 800 years!  He put the quick fix on that and shortened that average life-span to a scant 120 years.

God didn’t like what he created, and mankind turned out to be a total disappointment.  God was pissed, and he has a hair-trigger temper!  Mankind was consistently evil, slovenly, lustful and just generally no damn good.   God decided to clean the slate.  I’m talking total reset.  Start over.  Yep.  Everybody dies!

Enter Noah–the bible’s first drunk.

No wonder Noah got drunk.  God wiped the slate clean by deliberately drowning every living creature on the planet–including mankind– that wasn’t chosen to be on the ark.  Noah was witness.  Imagine what horror Noah must have seen.  Rains coming down, animals large and small flailing about in deep waters trying to survive–gasping for air, taking their last breath and sinking into the water.  Cries from people swimming towards the ark begging for mercy, only to drown right before Noah’s eyes.  Imagine what this must have sounded like.  Tough business.  This is far from the cartoon image of a smiling, bearded Noah, holding his staff, happily slapping animals on the ass as they enter the Ark two by two.  Not at all.  There was nothing happy about the flood.   Imagine the carnage.

Yep.  Noah was a prime candidate for prolonged therapy.

Eventually, the waters receded, and Noah and the gang got off the ark and started over.  Noah had three sons and they made quick business of repopulating the earth.  We’re all related to them.  All of us.

Noah planted a vineyard and did his best to forget the horrors he witnessed.  He spent his time farming and drinking. One night he got blazing drunk and passed out buck naked in his tent.  His son Ham found him and told his brothers “Dad’s good and drunk, and Dad’s good and naked too!”  The sons were ashamed of  Noah.   They covered their butt-naked Dad with a robe.  The next day, Noah realized that Ham found him drunk and told his brothers.  Noah got pissed at Ham for ratting him out, so he laid a curse on Ham.

Noah lived a ridiculously long life–950 years!

So, that’s the story of Noah the drunk.

I’m going to continue to post the stories the preacher left out, and for the record, there’s a lot of them.  Next up is:  Lott pimps his daughters!

Cheers!

I listened to every word the preacher said in his sermon, looking for some sort of divine message that was by God’s design meant specifically for me.  Didn’t quite get there.  Not the preachers fault.  I looked for distractions that would help me stay awake during the service and I picked up the Bible that was tucked away in the pew in front of me.  That’s when I found my profound moment, and it wasn’t necessarily a good one.

I held the Bible, opened it up, flipped through the pages and realized that the book I was holding in my hands is the pillar, the cornerstone, the very basis of civilized society.  There’s a lot of quotes from God himself in that book.  We’ve built a nation under God.  We swear on the bible in Court before we make testimony.  Truth is, I’m more familiar with Dr. Suess’s “Green Eggs and Ham” than I am with the contents of the bible.

Sure, I have the usual back-story reasonably down pat.  I know about Adam and Eve, Noah, the Ten Commandments and have a fairly decent grasp on the New Testament. That’s not what bothers me.  What bothers me is that I have not personally taken the time to read the whole Bible, front to back, and draw my own conclusions about what’s in there.

Here in my hand is the most important book ever written–and I bet few will argue that point–and I’ve never read it.  I looked around at the people in the church and wondered how many of them had read it themselves.  I’m not talking about being able to quote John 3:16.  I’m talking about really sitting down and reading it, cover to cover like a novel.  I’d bet very few.

As the service continued, two plates were passed around for communion.  One plate had small crackers–the Body of Christ, and the other had small plastic cups of wine–the Blood of Christ. People quietly ate and drank our Savior without a sound.  Where was the Spirit in this?  Where was the reverence?  People took this as casually as eating  Animal Crackers and Kool-Aid. In my mind, if you’re eating the body of Christ and drinking his blood, you should be quaking from this experience.  It should be one of the most profound and moving experiences you can partake in.  Instead, it was just another ritual.

I sat and wondered what this ritual of going to church really means.   Is it just a routine?  Can’t I worship God in my home. Do I have to come here to be saved?  Is this just something to do on Sundays before the game that makes people feel better?  How many people at church are just going through the motions?

Here’s what I decided to do.  I’m going to read the Bible. I’ve already started and let me tell you it’s one whopper of a read.  I finished Genesis.  Here’s what I used to think about Genesis.  God created stuff, including Man.  Eve ate the Apple and screwed things up for everybody.  Noah built an Ark, and all indications from the cartoon depictions I’ve seen showed that Noah was pretty happy about it.  Abraham had tons of sons.  I think most people have about the same knowledge base.

Here’s what I didn’t expect to find in Genesis.  Murder, rape, incest, polygamy, drunkenness, prostitution, theft, mass destruction and more.   Wow!  I was completely caught off guard, and Genesis is only the first book.

No worries, I’m not going to become a Bible-thumper, but I am going to have a weekly Bible for Beer Drinkers review.  I need to get as familiar with the most important book ever written as I am with “Green Eggs and Ham.”

Cheers!

Jim

Good advice indeed.

I was surrounded by churches.  Maybe I could find out who I was in one of them.  Naw.  That’s not how we roll on abeerforbreakfast.  I had a much, much  better idea.  I’ll start my own church! Yessiree Bob!  Capital idea.  Before I start my church, I’m gonna need some church stuff and it probably wouldn’t hurt to get ordained.

I want my title to be Minister and I’m gonna need proof. So, it took me about three minutes to get on the net, find a link and blammo–instant Minister!! I got ordained here, and you can too!  I’m now an officially ordained Minister ready to marry people in Piedmont Park.

Next stop, the Georgia Farmers Market.You’re probably wondering why the Farmers Market right?  Well, because I need churchy stuff and they sell it here.

Plastic Pope only $4.99

I’m gonna start with come icons.  I’ll need a plastic Pope, some Mary’s, a couple of Saints and let’s not forget Jesus!  Wouldn’t be much of a church without him now, would it?

Scary Mary

I’ll be starting my church in an edgy part of town, so I opted for the cooler versions for my icons.  I’m pretty sure that’s Mary.

Skull Saints...cool for Halloween!

I’m gonna need some of those cards with prayers on them to put by the door.

Pick a card, any card

I had a really tough time choosing my Jesus, so I got one in black and another in white. Who really knows?

Black Jesus

The white ones were three for $9.99, so I loaded up.

On sale!

Okay, I’m officially ordained and I have churchy stuff.  After doing some research, I found out I can deduct the cost of my church, so I’m putting my church in my basement.  That should ease my tax burden quite a bit this year. I’m going to need at least one person to attend services on Sundays to make this legit, so please volunteer. Here’s what we’ll be eating after service.Service will start sometime around noon and we’ll be done before kick-off. Wear your blue jeans and jersey’s for your favorite teams…and bring along some blues CD’s that you can listen to while I give a sermon.  We can listen to this if you forget your CD’s.

We’ll also pass the glass.

Serving Wine is so passe. We've got a kegger!

On a serious note, I’m doing this for research for a new novel I’m writing, but I’ll bet The Man upstairs would not disapprove of my concept of a church at all.

God bless and cheers!

Jim

God. Hi Jim.  I’ve noticed that you’ve been calling on me a lot lately, so I thought it’d be nice to meet face to face and see what’s on your mind.

Jim. Holy shit!  Whoops.  I mean, damn.  It’s really you.

God. Yes, it’s me.  I don’t want to be rude, but there are 7 billion of you on this earth and I don’t have a lot of time.  Let’s do this.  Why don’t you ask me 3 questions.  I’ll answer them for you, and be on my way.  How’s that sound?

Jim. Jesus!  Whoops.  Did it again.  Sorry.

God. Forgiven.  (laughs.)

Jim. Okay, okay.  Umm.  Three questions, huh?  Not three wishes like a genie, but three questions.  Okay.  God.  Right next to me.  God.  Here to talk to me.  Okay.  How’s it going God?

God. Fine. Two left.

Jim. Shit.  Fucked that up didn’t I?

God. Yes.  One to go.  Maybe you should think a little before you speak.

Jim. Damn.  Did it again!  Son of a Bitch.  I’m totally blowing my one chance to actually talk with you aren’t I?

God. Yes.  We’re through, and you might think about cleaning up your language a little in front of me.

Jim. Dammit.  I didn’t get anything out of this.

God. Just fuckin’ with you Jim.  Start over and think it through this time.

Jim. Wow.  Thanks God.  Okay, here’s my first one.  Is everything gonna be okay?  I mean, the world seems like it’s on the brink of disaster, and I know more people are hurting right now than I can ever remember.  Good people losing their jobs, losing their houses…just caught up in a shit-stream mess that they can’t seem to crawl out of.  Seems like we used to be able to bounce back a lot easier.  Nowadays, everything seems fucked up.  Are we gonna make it out of this?

God. Everything will be okay.  Things have a way of working themselves out.  This will pass, but people will change as a result.  I’m forcing people to look at themselves  harder than they ever have before.  I’m seeing a vast renewal in faith.  Man drifted.  Got greedy.  Civilization needs a correction and it’s going to hurt a little, but it’ll all work out.  It’s just going to be different than it was over the past few years.  Simpler.  More honest.  Man won’t take so much for granted.

Jim. That’s a relief.  Okay, here’s my next one.  I look at my life and I know I’ve made some mistakes, and I’ve broken way more than one commandment.

God. That’s an understatement.

Jim. Yes, I know, but I have asked for forgiveness and I’m not the Hellion that I used to be.

God. Like I said before.  Forgiven.  (doesn’t laugh this time.)

Jim. Thanks.  I guess my point is that I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished what I was supposed to.  I’ve retired more than one dream that I really thought would come true, and frankly, retiring my dreams makes my life seem like there’s no purpose other than to scratch out a living.    I kind of want to dust them off and renew them.  These are dreams about my career, my family…things I want to accomplish, but I just can’t seem to get any traction.

God. What’s your question?

Jim. Is it too late?  I’m not twenty anymore.

God. Of course not, but you have to put some effort into it.  I hear your prayers, and I show you the path you want to be on, but frankly Jim, sometimes you just don’t pay attention.  You get distracted and caught up in the things that get in the way of your dreams.  Quit looking to the sides of your path.  Look straight ahead.

Jim. What’s the most annoying prayer, or question that you get asked?

God. The lottery.

Jim. That was three wasn’t it?

God. That makes four.  Let me ask you a question.

Jim. Shoot.

God. Do you feel better now that we’ve talked?

Jim. Hell yes.  Can I buy you a beer?

God. Just one.

Jim. What’ll you have?

God. Make mine a Lagunitas IPA.

Jim. Cheers!

We had a beer together and shot the shit about the whole Heaven and Hell thing, good vs. evil and Satan.  He did some amazing card tricks.  I felt a whole lot better after our talk.

He asked me what dream was unrealized that I wanted most.  I told him I always wanted to be a writer for a living.  After all, I’ve written two screenplays, a novel, a children’s book and countless songs.  Nothing to show for it.  He told me a writer writes.  So I am.

Here’s my parting thought for you… it’s a toughie.

If you met God, and he said you could ask him just one question, what would that question be?

Cheers!

Jim

Here are a few pearls I can share with you.  A truly great beer brewed by Oskar Blues...Gordon’s, worthy of an effort to experience…I’m tossing in  a really great song with profound lyrics that are more relevant today than they were in the 80′s,… these pearls are yours for the taking.

Here’s the tune for the day. Listen to it as you read this. Go ahead, hit the button.  I think you’ll enjoy it.  The band is the the.  (not a typo.)

And here’s the beer you should drink with it.  Click on the picture to go the their web-site.  Great story.

Damned Good Canned Beer

Don’t let the can fool you.  Oskar Blues was one of the first to recognize the value of sealing their hand-crafted brew in a tin vault as opposed to a porous bottle.  This is a fine ale.  You can get it at Brickstore Pub, The Porter Beer Bar and sometimes at the Vortex Bar and Grill, and any liquor store worth its’ salt with at least a half-assed selection of brew.

Cheers,

Jim

Hotness Obama!

…and a couple of unwanted side-effects, most notably the recent article in Newsroom Magazine that ranked the Top 25 Party Colleges and included recreational waterboarding at keggers as a judging criteria.

“We were friggin’ board with just getting drunk every night,” said Barry Frisko President of Sigma Aumygod fraternity, “all that vomit…it sucks.   Then we saw President Obamas memo on waterboarding and exactly how to do it so that you wouldn’t really die from it, you’d just be scared shitless and think you were going to die and you’d tell anybody anything…what a great twist for beer-truth-or-dare.   It’s hilarious!”

Step by step...nobody gets hurt for real!

On to other things…

Time to get Joe Biden a new hat! Better make it out of aluminum foil as he seems to give out classified information faster than waterboarded detainees.  Gotta have some kind of barriers to keep the Russians from figuring out everything he’s ever been told.  Just this week he divulged the exact location of the secret bunker where the VP himself would be taken in case of a National emergency.  Al Queda staff sent Joe a $100 gift basket from Edible Arrangements.  Wanna know some State Secrets…just ask.  Just ask Joe.  It’s really that simple.  The man has no filters.

Testing 1,2...Testing...Is this thing on? Ah, goody!

“The first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.”  This is how Joe described his running mate in 2007.  He definitely needs one of these.

Joe's new hat.

Then of course there’s Nancy Pelosi, now fighting for her political life against the CIA. That’s right, the CIA.  The same agency that can detect a fart in the shower from 500 miles away and tell you what you’ve had to eat over the last three days.  She only accused them of lying to the Congress of the United States about the latest college craze….no biggie…WTF???   Republicans smell blood.

Nancy's not nervous.

Nancy may be a liar, but she misses her sister.

Separated at birth??

To round things out, Harry Reid–incompetent arrogant traitor and genuine threat to our democracy as we know it, made some stupid gaffes of his own…not even worth the trouble of mentioning.

Harry saluting President Obama

Here’s the punch-line to all of this week’s news.  A new CNN poll…of all the places… shows that we’re starting to like…

Mr. Popular!

I’m exhausted.    This took me

Cheers,

Jim

Read this sign carefully

It’s always good to know that next time you need a flat tire, you’ve got a choice.  I called the number on the sign and asked the owner what he meant.  He hung up on me.

Here’s another great idea in case you need a faster way to get off of your roof.

That's a house. That's its' roof. Yes, that's a sliding board.

I knocked on the front door and met the owner of the house…Buddy.  He either couldn’t pronounce or didn’t want me to use his last name.  I asked him if he sold pool supplies.  (Logical explanation, right?)  “Naw” he said.  “Why do you have a sliding board on the roof?”  I asked.  “We like to get real drunk and use it for rasslin.’” (read: “wrestling”)

Click here for highly disturbing demonstration of roof rasslin’.  Warning:  strong language.

Ya’ll come back now, y’hear?

Cheers,

Jim

That’s what the sign said in front of a rural tree service, firewood and stump removal company that I passed today.  Made me think.  Made me proud that they had the balls to say that out loud.  Redneck, religious and proud.  Guys that work their asses off for a days wage.  They’re the backbone of this country that rights us when we begin to sway.

I saw some asshole today on FoxNews that is suing his child’s high-school because they’re having the graduation ceremony in a church.  He’s claiming discrimination…blah, blah, blah.  Get over it.  Let the kids graduate without all the drama.  It amazes me that this guy is using his child’s graduation as a political and religious debate platform.

Me?  I miss the Cleavers.  I miss patriotism.  I miss tolerance.  I miss what America used to be, but I can feel her about to roar back to life.  We’re going back to the basics and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop us. C’mon girl, C’mon America…let’s go.

God.  Family.  Country.

Agree with me or not, but there’s a little something somewhere in the back of the minds of even the most ardent disbelievers. Something that lingers.  Something that won’t quite go away.

I believe God lurks because he’s there.  Feel free to disagree.  I won’t hold it against you or push my beliefs down your throat.  It takes real courage to believe in something.

Have a voice.  Be an advocate.  Be for something instead of against something.  Have the courage to believe…in anything.

I needed for this post.

Cheers,

Jim