A $30,000 Chili Recipe, Hot Garlic Wings and A Beer

I’ve been busy!  Okay? This one’s worth the wait.

Marlboro paid me $30,000 for my chili recipe. Swear it.  Gonna prove it.  I made it yesterday.  If you make it, you’ll need a great beer worthy of this big fat ball of fire and meat.  I’d recommend the Lagunitas IPA. Hoppy little mutha, sits on a foundation of malty, summery light goodness.  It can handle a big flavor meal.

Great choice for a big flavor meal in the summer!

Great choice for a big flavor meal in the summer!

So you think I’m a damn liar about the $30,000? Okay, it was actually $30,000 worth of stuff.  Here’s how it happened.  I lived in Fl for a while with the prohibitively-hot Mrs. Abeerforbreakfast. I used to smoke.  I don’t anymore.  Marlboro’s Mediums, because I wanted my lungs to retain a slighty pinkish gray. Anyway, Marlboro was having a National Chili Contest.  All you had to do was send in your recipe and a couple of crazies would cook it up….exactly as it was written…eat it and declare a winner. The winner….me….won a ton of shit and got published in their cookbook.

Here’s what you get for your $30,000.

F#%*ing Hot!

F#%*ing Hot!

My recipe was called “Jim’s Blazing Saddlesore’s” but the family oriented folks at Marlboro found that title offensive, so they changed the name to “Jim’s Five Pepper Chili.”  Stupid hypocritical ass-hats. They’ll sell you cigarettes that’ll kill your ass or the ass of someone else you love, but they doth not offend with a word like “saddlesores.”

I’m gonna share the recipe with you in a minute.  Keep your drawers on, pardner. I also fired up my propreitary “Jim’s Grilled Silly” garlic hot wings to eat with my chili.

I want to create the world's largest carbon footprint for some hot wings.  Sorry Nancy....not!

I want to create the world's largest carbon footprint for some hot wings. Sorry Nancy....not!

These little suckers are garlicky and hot as hell.  You’d be well advised to wear goggles when you first take them off the grill.  The heat made my right eye swell up and close for a few hours.  I looked like I got stung by a red velvet cow killer right on my eyelid.

If you see one of these, kill it.  Use a hammer because your shoe won't do the job.

If you see one of these, kill it. Use a hammer because your shoe won't do the job.

The wings look like this.

Crispy, garlicky, hot as balls.

Crispy, garlicky, hot as balls.

The combo looks like this.

I swear I'll cook this for you at your house and your expense if you promise to eat this.

I swear I'll cook this for you at your house and at your expense if you promise to eat this.

This plate is for heat-lovers only.  You need to be in the spicy club to get a bite of mine.  I’m not talking the stupid eye poppin’ mega-skovil mess that tears the skin off your tongue that a lot of idiot’s try when they make something like this.  “Try this shit Ernie!”  Ernie takes a bite.  Ernie’s head turns red.  Ernie is choking.  Ernie can’t breathe. Ernie is sick.  “Ain’t that good?  Look at Ernie, ain’t that funny!?”   No it’s not, and it’s not chili.

Hell no,  I’m talking subtle heat that you feel for days…an actual internal heat experience. Culinary heat Nirvana.

Here’s what I won. A brand new loaded Marlboro Edition Ford Truck, a Weber Grill (pictured above), Iron skillet set, Omaha steaks, spices, a boom box and about 25 CD’s, $2,000 cash and a bunch of other stuff I don’t remember.  What’d I do with it?  Sold the truck to a Ford dealer and used it for a down payment for a house.

Here’s the recipe. You’ll need to double click, then double click on the second image.  You can actually read the text, see my name and tell it’s me with my usual smart-assed directions.

Jim's Blazin' Saddle Sores Chili...not for the faint of heart or fart!

Jim's Blazin' Saddle Sores Chili...not for the faint of heart or fart!

So, there you are.  A $30,000 chili recipe. My compliments.  I’d really, really like to know if you intend to make this.  If so, we’ll do a little consult first.

Cheers,

Jim

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